An excuse of fantasytic porportions

To: Mr. McNarwhal,
I am very sorry I cannot attend the maths challenge today, because my sister has been poisoned by a vicious queen, jealous of her beauty. On top of this, my father’s nose has begun to grow whenever he lies, and he has stabbed my mother’s eye out with it. My mother, angry locked my other sister away in a tower- she has begun to grow her hair as a result. I must therefore seek out the magic ring which will open the chamber of secrets beneath the shoe that old mother Hubbard uses for a house, so I can find the voice of the little mermaid, give it to the big bad wolf who will blow down the tower, bite off my father’s nose and give my first sister true love’s first kiss, changing into Prince Charming in the process.
Sorry,
Uncle (Grimm) Polar